i was cleaning my desk today and then i felt this sharp feeling on my finger, so i was like: whats that? *presses* and then

before you know it, all this blood just came out.. so im like: o.O then i wiped the blood off and it turns out that it was a piece of

a cd case that i punched the other day. then i realised that it was like 5 millimetres (about 0.2 inches) deep in, and i was trying

to get it out and all this blood just came out.. then all of a sudden i felt funny.. body was going all out of whack.. got these bad

head spins, tummy was turning inside out. im thinking: uh oh, somethings wronggggggg.. so i walked to the kitchen to get

something to eat, i pulled out chicken.. tried to eat it but my appetite wasnt there and i felt like vomiting.. by then i had all

these fever chills and everything i saw was dark and i just felt really weak.. so im just like: fk what do i do i feel like im dying..

so i had no choice but to stumble to my mum.. and told that i think im gonna faint... then all of a sudden i just collapsed to the

floor.. i knew what was happening tho.. its just my body was like: wah i cant hold you up any longer and since you made it this

far and your mum is here im gonna give in.. so then *boom* fell to the floor.. and then mum was like: you dont rest like that. so

i stumbled to the bed and just layed there sideways.. with chicken still in my hand =X i was soooo weak i couldnt even move

after that.. i just closed my eyes and mum got me some lollies cos i needed sugar. then shes all complaining about how i dont

eat and stuffs. /an but anyway yeah i got better after a while, went to kitchen and ate this sweet rice thing, felt better. then told

my cousin and david about what just happened and told david to tell kan.. bwahhaha and she called me XD.

sigh so then like kan sms's me telling me about her and my friend linda having a little argument sorta.. >.> i just cant believe

my own friend that i known since like primary school just doesn't understand the situation i'm in and stuff. maybe shes just

sick of hearing the same thing over and over again, i dont know but it just kinda hurts.. then she said me and kan are getting

childlish? wtf was that. gosh.. im sorry that im happy being with a GIRL thats OVERSEAS. X_x i dont know what the fk

happend but i just cant believe my friends are kind of showing their true colours. i mean yeah i know they kinda care about me

and stuff but gosh.. it hurts how they just refuse to try to understand me and see my point. they're ignorant? no idea, but i

know they're not dumb but its like they have no idea what they're saying.

blah.. so like kan is like all pissed off and shit.. which kinda makes me feel bad cos they're my friends and i kinda feel

responsible >.<

they have this dinner thing tonight for julie's bday.. i remember phuong telling me that we get together around 6 30? its like

6:20 right now and no phone call.. but its okay since i don't wanna go anyway.

BLAH!!!!!!!
*sneaks on quickly to paste this into blog*

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and i would be the one, to hold you down kiss you so hard.. i'll take your breath away, and after i'd wipe away the tears.. just close your eyes dear. ._. if only i could do that.

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eh okay so like this could be my last entry until whenever i get my net back.


sorry for not updating.. but then again, who reads this anyway? X_x

anyway... yeah my mum already cut the net.. like 2 months ago, and the contract ends today.. so this is my last day on the net. i bought a prepaid internet card thing but then mum also told me that shes gonna take my modem away from me as well. blah >.< i cant even describe how painful it is watching the day turn into night, knowing that i will no longer enjoy cyberspace until who knows when.

and yeah.. contact with kan will dramatically minimize since we cant always call each other and stuff.. >.< i usually call her at 2 am my time, which is 9 am her time.. and what if i call and she has stuff to do and cant be there? we both cant even do like what 1 hour without not talking to each other.. let alone like a whole day not knowing how they are and what they been up to and if they were okay and safe..

also with the net, it helps make us "seem" a little closer than we actually are. without it, the distance is gonna be extra extra hard.. dealing with the everyday stresses of life and all that stuff.. and not being able to tell her when you get home.

sigh. i dont know when this will end.
also with her getting here doesnt seem to be working very well because of money problems, paying uni fees upfront and stuff like.. and my friends act as if its so easy for her just to get here.. shes fucking ditching her family and shit for me man, give her some fucking credit. gosh everytime i talk to them its as if i have to tell them im sorry im in love with a GIRL from OVERSEAS..
first my friends sound all cool about it, then as it drags longer and stuff they just i dunno i guess got sick of waiting too? and maybe got sick of me complaining about how much i miss her and stuff.. gosh.. i just feel like i got the biggest stabbing at the back.. and it hurts me because she's all cut up about it as well.. >.< i just can't believe this is happening.. its already so hard with the distance, and the last thing i need is them telling me to see the reality of things.. just let me live in my own little fantasy please.. because my reality isnt like your reality where everything is provided for, and your family isnt so fucked up like mine, and you dont have money problems or anything.. leave me alone.. you dont understand me.

so whats next on the agenda.. hmm.. bah i dont know. i just cant seem to live a normal life anymore.. not until kan gets here.. >.< my life is on pause.. seriously.. i plan everything.. like i dun wanan go out and spend all my money on like clubbing or clothes or useless shit because i wanna save it so i can spend it with her or on her.. yeah i love her a lot.. too much.. but thats a good thing =D. but then.. what happens.. she tells me that she probably cant make it here by december like she said so.. and gosh that was like a kick in the gut.. first.. when we just got together, she said she'll probably come at like july was it? then i think it got postponed again to some other month, then december.. X_x
shes still working on it tho.. so not all hope is lost... though, its kinda hard to be optimistic.. =

i just have this gut feeling that our relationship might go bad because of me not being able to go on the net anymore.. i can only go on at college for like 30 to 45 minutes.. 2 days a week. thats not enough. i can call her, but how would i know whats happening for her that day?

sigh. i guess this is goodbye then.
until then...
see ya later?

god i hope so.

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i think its best for me if i just disappear from this world.

the one person that can make me happy again is miles away
im stuck in this hellhole.
no money to do anything
no determination to do anything
nothing.

is it worth living?


everything i do just seems plain wrong
everything i do or say or act just seems to hurt people and it just seems that im in the wrong.

so maybe i should just do everybody a favour and lie in a ditch.

perhaps people's lives would be a lot better when that happens.

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what happend to my entry i posted on wednesday?? i didnt realise it was gone until just now >.< it was a really long post ;_; oh well. you guys missed out >.<

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sob my baby left for that dreaded fishing trip with her mum, dad and grandparents.. she'll be gone for about one week.. =( and you know what that means..!! no kan for 1 week!! omg *cant take it*


anyway
i go sleep now..
im too tired to vent
probably tomorrow. >.>

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